A government spokesman today warned off potential deaths due to severe
Arctic weather *NOT* arriving by the end of this week.
Dr Barry Ometer spoke of the real possibility of deaths due to mass suicides
if the Cold Bitter Weather fails to materialise.
Dr Ometere further added that a mystery sect
known as the "SNOWMEN OFF TWO" are preparing to commit mass suicide by
cutting their wrists with broken thermometers.
Their charismatic leader Brain Dazed has warned all of his members to be
prepared for the worse.

We spoke to one of the cults ex-members Mr Neil Green who was actually
thrown out for refusing to dress up the groups customary sequins and join
the early evening Mantras of "Snow, Snow, quick quick snow."
Mr Green recalled. "The worse one was that bleedin Gary Sarre" he was Brain
Dazed's right hand crony. All he would say all the bloody time was "I am
confident,I am confident" he was bloody intimidating, he was.
After being thrown out of the sect Mr Green was given the name of "Snowball"
and was seen as a traitor to their diabolical cause.
Brain Dazed who has claimed to be able to "look into the future" and once
claimed that "November 9th 2011 would be cold with fog to clear by 11.16am"
was unavailable for comment.
Dr Ometere concluded that this is a very serious situation with the suicide
threat and if it does fail to snow, the British education system could lose
at least 45 of it's students!!