Green Turtle wrote:
(FST Commentator): "Here's the official, stolen, government training
film of the secret plan to deal with an alien uprising."
(Martial music swells in the background)
(NCO-In-Charge Commentator): "Classified ultra-secret! Air Force
generals only! Ten-hut! At ease mens (sic), take your seat!"
(The General): "This is General Curtis Goatheart. If you are viewing
this film, then we are under extraterrestrial attack. Beware- your brain
may no longer be the boss! If you are beginning to doubt what I am
saying, you are probably hallucinating. Listen carefully!"
(One second burst of ringing alarm bell)
(NCOIC): "What to do if an alien appears! ONE!"
(The General): "Drop beneath the seat of your plane and look away."
(NCOIC): "TWO!"
(The General): "Avoid eye contact."
(NCOIC): "THREE!"
(The General): "If there are no eyes, avoid all contact."
(One second burst of ringing alarm bell)
(NCOIC): "How to identify alleged sightings! ONE!"
(The General): "Pie plates, or as reflections in the atmosphere."
(NCOIC): "TWO!"
(The General): "Dry cleaning bags filled with marsh gas, or..."
(NCOIC) "THREE!"
(The General): "Mass insanity!"
(One second burst of ringing alarm bell)
(NCOIC): "How to inform your wife, and others under your command!"
(Bugle blowing reville in the background, faint drumbeat, soft clatter
of dinnerware)
(General's Wife): "...Can I freshen that up for you?..."
(The Colonel): "I don't know how she got that requisition..."
(General's Wife): "Oh, she gets it in the back..."
(The Colonel): "Well, she's not allowed to have them unless she's..."
(Another Officer): "Unless she's related to the (undecipherable) of the
PX..."
(Sound of a spoon repeatedly striking a water glass)
(The General): "Honey and men- I have something awesome to reveal to you."
(The Colonel): "Well, go ahead, sir."
(General's Wife): "Go ahead."
(The General): "Two flying saucers have just landed on my plate."
(Long moment of silence)
(The Colonel): "Well, turn away sir- I'll eat them."
(Nervous laughter)
(Sound of a spoon repeatedly striking a water glass)
(The General): "Men- our greatest fear is realized- we are under attack
from superior consciousness."
(The Colonel): "The eggs, sir?"
(The General): "They're only the beginning."
(More nervous laughter)
(Another Officer): "Can I have some more of those flapjacks?"
(The General): "All right, men- questions? Questions?"
(The Major): "Ah, sir?"
(The General): "Yes, Major?"
(The Major): "Ah, pass the ah, syrup, General?"
(The General): "That's a good idea, Chuck, but syrup won't stop 'em!"
(Another Officer): "But, sir..."
(The Colonel): "Ah, sir?"
(The General): "Colonel?"
(The Colonel): "Are you nuts?"
(The General): "H-Hmmm! That is just exactly what they want you to
believe! (chuckle)"
(The Colonel): "The eggs, sir?"
(The General): "Let's just call them 'the phenomena' "
(The Colonel): "Well, if I may respectfully submit, sir, I think you've
got your phenomena
scrambled, General."
(More nervous laughter)
(General's Wife): "What about my eggs, dear?"
(The General): "Honey- they're in- everybody's eggs!"
(The Colonel, slightly sarcastically): "Good lord!"
(Faint drumbeat, soft clatter of dinnerware in the background)
(The General's wife begins sobbing hysterically, but softly)
(Another Officer): "I think I'm going to have to leave this table..."
(The Major): "...another cup of coffee, sir- settle you down a bit..."
(NCOIC): "CONCLUSION!"
(The General): "They think he is insane. Yet he outranks them. His
option- command!"
(NCOIC): "ONE!"
(The General): "He seals off the area."
(NCOIC): "TWO!"
(The General): "Secures the cooperation of local officials."
(NCOIC): "THREE!"
(The General): "Obtains expert scientific susistence (sic)."
(NCOIC): "FOUR!"
(The General): "Evacuates all government employees, and..."
(NCOIC): "FIVE!"
(The General): "...bombs aliens back to stone age!"
(Martial music swells up in the background)
(NCOIC): "END OF FILM!"

From "Everything You Know is Wrong" by The Firesign Theatre (1974)