Complete text of Monty Python's Classic "Climate Inquisition" sketch:


"In the early years of the 21st century, to combat the rising tide of
free-market prosperity, the Kyoto Treaty gave Climate Cardinal Algore leave
to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of
demagoguery, intimidation, and fraud, and to make a stupid film that every
child was forced to watch. _This_ was the Climate Inquisition..."
man: Trouble in lib'ral media.

woman: Oh? What kind of trouble?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman: Pardon?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman [confused]: I don't understand what you're saying.

man: [slightly irritated and with exaggeratedly clear accent] The forecast
for Atlantic hurricanes has been lowered again, glaciers were reported to be
melting in 1922, and the hottest year on record wasn't 1998, it was 1934.
Man-made global warming is a hoax.

woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

man: *I* don't know - Mr. Limbaugh just told me to come in here and say
there was trouble in the liberal media, that's all. I didn't expect a kind
of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinal Algore enters, flanked by Climate
Cardinal Heidi Cullen and Climate Cardinal Fang]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise. Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear
and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear,
surprise, and ruthless efficiency, intimidation, suppression of evidence,
scientific misconduct... and an almost fanatical devotion to Socialism....
....no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements
as fear, surprise....

I'll come in again.

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Amongst our
weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
intimidation, suppression of evidence, scientific misconduct, an almost
fanatical devotion to Socialism, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

Algo [To Cardinal Cullen] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Cullen: What?

Cardinal Algo You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are
....'

Cullen: I couldn't do that...

[Cardinal Algore bundles the cardinals outside again]

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The Climate Cardinals enter]

Cullen: Er.... Nobody...um....

Algo Expects...

Cullen: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Climate...um...

Algo Inquisition.

Cullen: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Climate Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -

Algo Our chief weapons are...

Cullen: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Algo Surprise...

Cullen: Surprise and --

Algo Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our
chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church of Global Warming. 'My old man said follow the--'

Cullen: That's enough. Now, how do you plead?

woman: We're innocent.

Algo Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Cullen: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Algo Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a
supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

[Cullen produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Algore looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to
cover his anger]

Algo You....Right! Tie her down.

[Fang and Cullen make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

AlgoRight! How do you plead?

woman: Innocent.

Algo Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

[Cullen stands their awkwardly and shrugs her shoulders]

Cullen: I....

Algo [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Cullen: I...

Algo It makes it all seem so stupid.

Cullen: Shall I...?

Algo No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!


[Cullen turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady]

[CUT TO NEW SKETCH]

Dear Old Lady: "This is Uncle Ted in front of the house." (she hands over
the photo and the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted at the back of
the house." (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) "And
this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house." (she hands over the photo and
the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of
the house, but you can see the side of the house." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side
of the house, but you can still see the front." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "This is the back of the house, with Uncle
Ted coming round the side to the front." (she hands over the photo and the
young lady tears it up) "And this is the Climate Inquisition hiding behind
the wood shed." (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)

Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinals Algore, Cullen and Fang enter.]

Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition!

[Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.]

Voice Over: 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE
RISING TIDE OF FREE-MARKET PROSPERITY, THE KYOTO TREATY GAVE CARDINAL ALGORE
LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF
DEMAGOGUERY, INTIMIDATION AND FRAUD, AND TO MAKE A STUPID FILM THAT EVERY
CHILD WAS FORCED TO WATCH. _THIS_ WAS THE CLIMATE INQUISITION . . .'


[Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. The footsteps stop and keys
jangle. The great door creaks open and Cardinal Algore walks in and looks
'round approvingly. Fang and Cullen enter behind pushing in the dear old
lady. They chain her to the wall.]

Algo Now, old woman -- you are accused of climate heresy on three
counts -- climate heresy by thought, climate heresy by word, climate heresy
by deed, and climate heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?

Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Algo Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Cullen! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Cullen holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Cullen: Here they are, lord.

Algo Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you
shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the
nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Algo Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!

[Cullen carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Algo Confess! Confess! Confess!

Cullen: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Algo Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algore [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff!
Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

[Cullen pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

Algo So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Cullen! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Algore [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Cullen] Is that
really all it is?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algo I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess,
woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess

Cullen: I confess!

Algo Not you!

On Sep 2, 12:54 pm, "anon" wrote:
Complete text of Monty Python's Classic "Climate Inquisition" sketch:

"In the early years of the 21st century, to combat the rising tide of
free-market prosperity, the Kyoto Treaty gave Climate Cardinal Algore leave
to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of
demagoguery, intimidation, and fraud, and to make a stupid film that every
child was forced to watch. _This_ was the Climate Inquisition..."
man: Trouble in lib'ral media.

woman: Oh? What kind of trouble?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman: Pardon?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman [confused]: I don't understand what you're saying.

man: [slightly irritated and with exaggeratedly clear accent] The forecast
for Atlantic hurricanes has been lowered again, glaciers were reported to be
melting in 1922, and the hottest year on record wasn't 1998, it was 1934.
Man-made global warming is a hoax.

woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

man: *I* don't know - Mr. Limbaugh just told me to come in here and say
there was trouble in the liberal media, that's all. I didn't expect a kind
of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinal Algore enters, flanked by Climate
Cardinal Heidi Cullen and Climate Cardinal Fang]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise. Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear
and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear,
surprise, and ruthless efficiency, intimidation, suppression of evidence,
scientific misconduct... and an almost fanatical devotion to Socialism....
...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements
as fear, surprise....

I'll come in again.

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Amongst our
weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
intimidation, suppression of evidence, scientific misconduct, an almost
fanatical devotion to Socialism, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

Algo [To Cardinal Cullen] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Cullen: What?

Cardinal Algo You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are
...'

Cullen: I couldn't do that...

[Cardinal Algore bundles the cardinals outside again]

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The Climate Cardinals enter]

Cullen: Er.... Nobody...um....

Algo Expects...

Cullen: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Climate...um...

Algo Inquisition.

Cullen: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Climate Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -

Algo Our chief weapons are...

Cullen: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Algo Surprise...

Cullen: Surprise and --

Algo Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our
chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church of Global Warming. 'My old man said follow the--'

Cullen: That's enough. Now, how do you plead?

woman: We're innocent.

Algo Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Cullen: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Algo Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a
supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

[Cullen produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Algore looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to
cover his anger]

Algo You....Right! Tie her down.

[Fang and Cullen make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

AlgoRight! How do you plead?

woman: Innocent.

Algo Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

[Cullen stands their awkwardly and shrugs her shoulders]

Cullen: I....

Algo [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Cullen: I...

Algo It makes it all seem so stupid.

Cullen: Shall I...?

Algo No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Cullen turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady]

[CUT TO NEW SKETCH]

Dear Old Lady: "This is Uncle Ted in front of the house." (she hands over
the photo and the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted at the back of
the house." (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) "And
this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house." (she hands over the photo and
the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of
the house, but you can see the side of the house." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side
of the house, but you can still see the front." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "This is the back of the house, with Uncle
Ted coming round the side to the front." (she hands over the photo and the
young lady tears it up) "And this is the Climate Inquisition hiding behind
the wood shed." (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)

Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinals Algore, Cullen and Fang enter.]

Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition!

[Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.]

Voice Over: 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE
RISING TIDE OF FREE-MARKET PROSPERITY, THE KYOTO TREATY GAVE CARDINAL ALGORE
LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF
DEMAGOGUERY, INTIMIDATION AND FRAUD, AND TO MAKE A STUPID FILM THAT EVERY
CHILD WAS FORCED TO WATCH. _THIS_ WAS THE CLIMATE INQUISITION . . .'

[Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. The footsteps stop and keys
jangle. The great door creaks open and Cardinal Algore walks in and looks
'round approvingly. Fang and Cullen enter behind pushing in the dear old
lady. They chain her to the wall.]

Algo Now, old woman -- you are accused of climate heresy on three
counts -- climate heresy by thought, climate heresy by word, climate heresy
by deed, and climate heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?

Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Algo Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Cullen! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Cullen holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Cullen: Here they are, lord.

Algo Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you
shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the
nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Algo Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!

[Cullen carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Algo Confess! Confess! Confess!

Cullen: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Algo Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algore [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff!
Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

[Cullen pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

Algo So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Cullen! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Algore [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Cullen] Is that
really all it is?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algo I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess,
woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess

Cullen: I confess!

Algo Not you!


What a load of utter garbage. Prat!

On Sep 2, 1:54 am, "anon" wrote:
Complete text of Monty Python's Classic "Climate Inquisition" sketch:

"In the early years of the 21st century, to combat the rising tide of
free-market prosperity, the Kyoto Treaty gave Climate Cardinal Algore leave
to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of
demagoguery, intimidation, and fraud, and to make a stupid film that every
child was forced to watch. _This_ was the Climate Inquisition..."
man: Trouble in lib'ral media.

woman: Oh? What kind of trouble?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman: Pardon?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman [confused]: I don't understand what you're saying.

man: [slightly irritated and with exaggeratedly clear accent] The forecast
for Atlantic hurricanes has been lowered again, glaciers were reported to be
melting in 1922, and the hottest year on record wasn't 1998, it was 1934.
Man-made global warming is a hoax.

woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

man: *I* don't know - Mr. Limbaugh just told me to come in here and say
there was trouble in the liberal media, that's all. I didn't expect a kind
of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinal Algore enters, flanked by Climate
Cardinal Heidi Cullen and Climate Cardinal Fang]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise. Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear
and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear,
surprise, and ruthless efficiency, intimidation, suppression of evidence,
scientific misconduct... and an almost fanatical devotion to Socialism....
...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements
as fear, surprise....

I'll come in again.

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Amongst our
weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
intimidation, suppression of evidence, scientific misconduct, an almost
fanatical devotion to Socialism, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

Algo [To Cardinal Cullen] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Cullen: What?

Cardinal Algo You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are
...'

Cullen: I couldn't do that...

[Cardinal Algore bundles the cardinals outside again]

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The Climate Cardinals enter]

Cullen: Er.... Nobody...um....

Algo Expects...

Cullen: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Climate...um...

Algo Inquisition.

Cullen: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Climate Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -

Algo Our chief weapons are...

Cullen: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Algo Surprise...

Cullen: Surprise and --

Algo Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our
chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church of Global Warming. 'My old man said follow the--'

Cullen: That's enough. Now, how do you plead?

woman: We're innocent.

Algo Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Cullen: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Algo Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a
supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

[Cullen produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Algore looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to
cover his anger]

Algo You....Right! Tie her down.

[Fang and Cullen make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

AlgoRight! How do you plead?

woman: Innocent.

Algo Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

[Cullen stands their awkwardly and shrugs her shoulders]

Cullen: I....

Algo [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Cullen: I...

Algo It makes it all seem so stupid.

Cullen: Shall I...?

Algo No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Cullen turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady]

[CUT TO NEW SKETCH]

Dear Old Lady: "This is Uncle Ted in front of the house." (she hands over
the photo and the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted at the back of
the house." (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) "And
this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house." (she hands over the photo and
the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of
the house, but you can see the side of the house." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side
of the house, but you can still see the front." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "This is the back of the house, with Uncle
Ted coming round the side to the front." (she hands over the photo and the
young lady tears it up) "And this is the Climate Inquisition hiding behind
the wood shed." (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)

Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinals Algore, Cullen and Fang enter.]

Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition!

[Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.]

Voice Over: 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE
RISING TIDE OF FREE-MARKET PROSPERITY, THE KYOTO TREATY GAVE CARDINAL ALGORE
LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF
DEMAGOGUERY, INTIMIDATION AND FRAUD, AND TO MAKE A STUPID FILM THAT EVERY
CHILD WAS FORCED TO WATCH. _THIS_ WAS THE CLIMATE INQUISITION . . .'

[Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. The footsteps stop and keys
jangle. The great door creaks open and Cardinal Algore walks in and looks
'round approvingly. Fang and Cullen enter behind pushing in the dear old
lady. They chain her to the wall.]

Algo Now, old woman -- you are accused of climate heresy on three
counts -- climate heresy by thought, climate heresy by word, climate heresy
by deed, and climate heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?

Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Algo Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Cullen! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Cullen holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Cullen: Here they are, lord.

Algo Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you
shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the
nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Algo Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!

[Cullen carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Algo Confess! Confess! Confess!

Cullen: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Algo Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algore [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff!
Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

[Cullen pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

Algo So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Cullen! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Algore [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Cullen] Is that
really all it is?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algo I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess,
woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess

Cullen: I confess!

Algo Not you!

I'm not surprised you chose to remain anonymous.

Tudor Hughes.

On Sep 1, 8:54 pm, "anon" wrote:
Complete text of Monty Python's Classic "Climate Inquisition" sketch:

"In the early years of the 21st century, to combat the rising tide of
free-market prosperity, the Kyoto Treaty gave Climate Cardinal Algore leave
to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of
demagoguery, intimidation, and fraud, and to make a stupid film that every
child was forced to watch. _This_ was the Climate Inquisition..."
man: Trouble in lib'ral media.

woman: Oh? What kind of trouble?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman: Pardon?

man: 'Lantic 'urr'cane for'cast down again, & glaciers found melted in '22;
'ottest year on record were 1934... man-made warmin' is 'oax.

woman [confused]: I don't understand what you're saying.

man: [slightly irritated and with exaggeratedly clear accent] The forecast
for Atlantic hurricanes has been lowered again, glaciers were reported to be
melting in 1922, and the hottest year on record wasn't 1998, it was 1934.
Man-made global warming is a hoax.

woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

man: *I* don't know - Mr. Limbaugh just told me to come in here and say
there was trouble in the liberal media, that's all. I didn't expect a kind
of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinal Algore enters, flanked by Climate
Cardinal Heidi Cullen and Climate Cardinal Fang]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise. Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear
and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear,
surprise, and ruthless efficiency, intimidation, suppression of evidence,
scientific misconduct... and an almost fanatical devotion to Socialism....
...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements
as fear, surprise....

I'll come in again.

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Cardinal Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition! Amongst our
weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
intimidation, suppression of evidence, scientific misconduct, an almost
fanatical devotion to Socialism, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

Algo [To Cardinal Cullen] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Cullen: What?

Cardinal Algo You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are
...'

Cullen: I couldn't do that...

[Cardinal Algore bundles the cardinals outside again]

man: I didn't expect a kind of Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The Climate Cardinals enter]

Cullen: Er.... Nobody...um....

Algo Expects...

Cullen: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Climate...um...

Algo Inquisition.

Cullen: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Climate Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -

Algo Our chief weapons are...

Cullen: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Algo Surprise...

Cullen: Surprise and --

Algo Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our
chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church of Global Warming. 'My old man said follow the--'

Cullen: That's enough. Now, how do you plead?

woman: We're innocent.

Algo Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Cullen: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Algo Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a
supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

[Cullen produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Algore looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to
cover his anger]

Algo You....Right! Tie her down.

[Fang and Cullen make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

AlgoRight! How do you plead?

woman: Innocent.

Algo Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

[Cullen stands their awkwardly and shrugs her shoulders]

Cullen: I....

Algo [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Cullen: I...

Algo It makes it all seem so stupid.

Cullen: Shall I...?

Algo No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Cullen turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady]

[CUT TO NEW SKETCH]

Dear Old Lady: "This is Uncle Ted in front of the house." (she hands over
the photo and the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted at the back of
the house." (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) "And
this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house." (she hands over the photo and
the young lady tears it up) "This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of
the house, but you can see the side of the house." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side
of the house, but you can still see the front." (she hands over the photo
and the young lady tears it up) "This is the back of the house, with Uncle
Ted coming round the side to the front." (she hands over the photo and the
young lady tears it up) "And this is the Climate Inquisition hiding behind
the wood shed." (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)

Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Climate Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Climate Cardinals Algore, Cullen and Fang enter.]

Algo NOBODY expects the Climate Inquisition!

[Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.]

Voice Over: 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE
RISING TIDE OF FREE-MARKET PROSPERITY, THE KYOTO TREATY GAVE CARDINAL ALGORE
LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF
DEMAGOGUERY, INTIMIDATION AND FRAUD, AND TO MAKE A STUPID FILM THAT EVERY
CHILD WAS FORCED TO WATCH. _THIS_ WAS THE CLIMATE INQUISITION . . .'

[Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. The footsteps stop and keys
jangle. The great door creaks open and Cardinal Algore walks in and looks
'round approvingly. Fang and Cullen enter behind pushing in the dear old
lady. They chain her to the wall.]

Algo Now, old woman -- you are accused of climate heresy on three
counts -- climate heresy by thought, climate heresy by word, climate heresy
by deed, and climate heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?

Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Algo Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Cullen! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Cullen holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Cullen: Here they are, lord.

Algo Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you
shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the
nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Algo Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!

[Cullen carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Algo Confess! Confess! Confess!

Cullen: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Algo Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algore [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff!
Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

[Cullen pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

Algo So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Cullen! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Algore [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Cullen] Is that
really all it is?

Cullen: Yes, lord.

Algo I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess,
woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess

Cullen: I confess!

Algo Not you!

Ahh, so you were parroting a Monty Python sketch but your attempt
died. A Dead Parroting Sketch...