I know most of you have a good sense of humour on this ng. I could not
resist putting this one on here. It is a good Mickey take of many of today's
footling rules and regulations that we have to contend with.

This is how the famous conversation might go if Nelson were alive today....

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's
a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy


Source: Anon.



--
************************************************** **************************
********************************************
Gavin Staples.

Cambridge, UK.

www.gavinstaples.com
site regularly updated


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not
sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein


All outgoing emails are checked for viruses by Norton Internet Security
Professional 2004.

************************************************** **************************
************************************************** **

I hope you completed a Risk Assessment before posting that, Gavin. :-)

Tudor Hughes.

Gavin very funny, the sad thing though it's also very true. Your timing was
very apt for me as I received my "Water Hygiene Log Book Training"
certificate today.
All over the country Housing Associations, Care Organisations, places of
work are gearing up in the name of "Best Practise" to carry out extensive
and very expensive remedial works and continuous testing for Legionella
control.

Now legionella is a group of bacteria that can thrive in domestic water
systems between a temp range of 20c-60c. Now this Legionella can not be
contracted by open wounds or ingesting. It can only possibly affect human if
breathed into the lungs as atomised water droplets at the right temp of
course. Even then if present in your lungs you have to be very sick, on
chemo therapy, very old and preferably male. The atomised droplets are only
really feasible with cooling processes with certain air conditioning units
and possibly a domestic shower.

The figures for this infection in England and Wales are running at approx
200 cases a year with half of those infections caught abroad. So an
average100 people are becoming infected in the England and Wales every 12
months with approx 9-12 dying as a result.

Now I'm lead to believe that that fatality figure isn't far short of deaths
caused by lightning strikes. So does that mean we shove a copper rod up
everyons legs when they go out? Of course not. Yet for such a rare occurance
(probably none in care homes) literally millions of tax payers money is
going to be channeled into private organisations.

Yes there is a serious chance of an out break in this country.... an out
break of water testing companies and an outbreak off H&S madness. In
2001/2002 there were 20,000 deaths as a result of Flu so if we are really
trying to reduce the death rate wear a mask if you have the flu, don't share
cups etc etc. If by that remote chance that your water is between 20 and 60
c, contains legionella bacteria, your'e very very ill or old and you are
able to get atomised (not vapourised) water droplets into your lungs and
then develop the associated pnuemonia, the owner of the property where this
happened will be prosecuted. If of course you happen to be one of the
unlucky 9-12 that die I imagine prison would be possible for the person
deemed responsible by not carrying out the very expensive and time/cost
consuming checks for something that is a rare as fatal lightning strikes.

The whole country is going absolutely mad. Has any one tried enquiring as to
the condition of a loved one, family member or friend ill in hospital,
recently. Oi Vey don't let me start on that one






"Gavin Staples" wrote in message
...


I know most of you have a good sense of humour on this ng. I could not
resist putting this one on here. It is a good Mickey take of many of
today's
footling rules and regulations that we have to contend with.

This is how the famous conversation might go if Nelson were alive
today....

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors,
lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working
environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...
full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing
the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy
and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And
there's
a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy


Source: Anon.



--
************************************************** **************************
********************************************
Gavin Staples.

Cambridge, UK.

www.gavinstaples.com
site regularly updated


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm
not
sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein


All outgoing emails are checked for viruses by Norton Internet Security
Professional 2004.

************************************************** **************************
************************************************** **

Death of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the
name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died from heart
failure early in the new millennium. No one really
knows how old he was since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools,
hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks
get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For
decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous
lawsuits, held no power over Common Sense. He was
credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to
know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird
gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable
parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not
the kids), and it's okay to come in second (or even
last, as long as your best efforts were given).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great
Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common
Sense survived cultural and educational trends
including body piercing, whole language and "new
maths." But his health declined when he became infected
with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.


In recent decades his waning strength proved no match
for the ravages of overbearing regulations. He watched
in pain as self-seeking lawyers ruled good people.

His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of
six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a
swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even
further when schools had to get parental consent to
administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the
parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an
abortion.

Eventually, Common Sense lost his will to live as churches
became businesses, criminals received better treatment than
victims, and high court judges stuck their noses in
everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, a woman who was not smart enough to realize
that coffee is hot, and was awarded a huge payout for
her stupidity, caused Common Sense to finally throw in
the towel.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents
Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion, his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by
two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.

"Lester" wrote in message
...
Death of Common Sense

snip

I guess you will have heard of the latest advice about how to
'enjoy' your office Christmas party:

No mistletoe. The berries are poisonous and it could lead to
sexual harassment charges.

No dancing on the tables. Office furniture isn't that strong!

And finally please don't photocopy parts of your body.
If the photocopier breaks you could get broken glass where
the sun don't shine.....

sigh

Col
--
Bolton, Lancashire.
160m asl.
http://www.reddwarfer.btinternet.co.uk
http://www.reddwarfer.btinternet.co....rPictures.html

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age18. (Albert
Einstein)

Alternatively

Do not imagine that mathematics is hard and crabbed, and repulsive to common
sense. It is merely the etherialization of common sense. (Lord Kelvin).

I like the first one.

Alan

In article , "Lester"
writes:

Death of Common Sense...

Finally, a woman who was not smart enough to realize
that coffee is hot, and was awarded a huge payout for
her stupidity, caused Common Sense to finally throw in
the towel.



McDonald's had already received over 700 complaints about their "scolding"
coffee, but declined to take any action.

Ms Liebeck was 79 years old, and disabled for two years(!) as a result of
16% of her body receiving third degree burns.

She offered to settle for $20,000.

McDonald's refused. The judge thought that was so unreasonable he settled
on punitive damages of $480,000. Ms Liebeck received $160,000, as directed
by the jury, who held her 20% responsible.



At the same time, the High Court in England had rejected three dozen claims
against McDonald's, mostly from children, about injuries caused by hot drinks
(which are served at between 75C - 90C).

Some of the English cases were so severe they required skin grafts.

But no compensation was paid.

What was that about Common Sense "finally throwing in the towel".?



Cheers,

keith





---
Iraq: 6.5 thousand million pounds, 70 UK lives, and counting...
100,000+ civilian casualties, largely of coalition bombing...