The BBC announced today that it was bringing in a new presentational
system to make the "Ten O'Clock News" clearer and more informative.
The new system has been tested extensively in New Zealand, and
although completely different settings and maps will be used in the
UK, the Corporation insists that the Kiwis' experience proves that
absolutely nothing can go wrong ever ever ever, so yah boo sucks to
you with knobs on and no returns, especially given that the
£5,000,000,000,000,000 cost of the new system will require a 900%
increase in the licence fee by 2008.

Research with focus groups chosen from all over the corridors of
Television Centre showed that all of their participants spent
considerable amounts of time in the London area. For this reason, TV
bosses have promised to target their coverage of British news more
effectively, so that the south of England has four times as much
airtime as the whole of Scotland. The TV Centre Autogyro will,
however, be deployed when necessary to swoop down over the frozen
north and throw water bombs out at random over bits of land that look
too brown and dried-out. A spokesman for the BBC said that this would
not happen in every news broadcast because "Frankly no-one at the BBC
believes the rumours that anyone lives north of Leeds in any case,
and so there's little point in bothering with news from up there".

Coverage of foreign news will also be shown only when it "enriches
the viewer experience", since the focus group research showed that
very few participants understood the fine detail of the political
situation in Uzbekistan, and felt "disenfranchised" by its presence.
For this reason, faraway and difficult countries such as Uzbekistan,
Lesotho and France will only be shown on TV screens when they "help
to tell the news story". The BBC has reassured viewers that pictures
of "the bits over the Channel" will still be shown when there is an
important development, with really exciting pictures of houses
falling down in an earthquake or people kicking a ball up and down a
field.

The Sunday lunchtime "Countryfile" programme will also benefit from
these improvements, BBC chiefs said. Further research amongst focus-
group participants had revealed that very few of those living in
inner-city London had regular contact with bovine tuberculosis or
were affected by the workings of the Common Agricultural Policy. The
Corporation, always responsive to the demands of its increasingly
varied and sophisticated audience, has therefore decided to
streamline and modernise the programme, under a new and accessible
format in which overly scientific explanations will be replaced by an
easy-to-read summary, for example: "SHEEP HAVE WOOL".

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